I am better than what I was today. This lie. I have diminished myself into a bed sheet on the floor where there was once a person. The voice in my head is yelling at me that I am no good. Every morning, every day, and right now, as it turns to night… I am still a vacant soul. The alcohol isn’t working. My kids are watching the tears stream. All I can do is answer “Mommy’s okay, I’m sorry.”
My stunted voice tells me I am a bad mother. What was I thinking? I should have never become a mom in the first place. Some people just shouldn’t be parents. Why did I marry him? I knew better. I swear I did. I just couldn’t stand up for myself. Because I didn’t know I had a self. I still don’t, or I wouldn’t be feeling like this.
I want to be brave. I want to be myself.. Not the self I project, but the me everyone including myself, knows is in there somewhere. She is dying to show herself. Literally. There is a light inside of me, so I have been told, that shines so bright. Do you think maybe it is me who puts on the lampshade? Or perhaps certain ghosts of my past who have dimmed my light? A little of both I suppose. You believe what you hear after years of conditioning. I know I am a woman of worth, but why do I feel so ugly and undeserving?
Don’t tell me I need to go to church.
So, I was cruising along just fine in my training for Warehouse, logistics and Transportation. I am days away from being nationally accredited with a certification. Today we started the job interview process. I had to come up with a mission statement about my myself; basically selling myself to a hiring manager. Needless to say, a person with damaged self worth has a hard time with this assignment. I can pass a test. In fact, I have all A’s in the program, but today, I could hardly find the strength to lift my head from the desk. Find something good about myself and then convince people of it? Tears. Tears ran down my face during the whole class. I recognized a familiar feeling.
Fear of failure.
This program? This is as far as I can go. I need to get up and run. I can’t finish this. I never finish anything. Some people are self confident and stupid. I am the opposite. I am petrified.
Not to mention, all the phone calls from my ex husband informing me that he is now working. Oh great. No wait. He gets paid daily so he can get high. I never expected any help from him, but don’t rub your ability to numb your feelings in my face. I could use a big dose of something about now! But I have to take care of the children you abandoned to get high.
This isn’t my dream. I went to school to work in a field I dreamed of since I was in high school. Now I am almost 40 years old training to be a warehouse worker. Fine. Maybe I sound spoiled right now. I am just a little resentful. I know my life’s calling is different from picking orders and driving a forklift. It will pay the bills, but it will not fulfill my heart. My heart is big. It is bruised. It’s been stretched and broken. In the midst though, I know it needs to feel what it hasn’t felt ever before. Some hearts never break so they don’t get the opportunity to feel the mending or the longing to mend. My brain and mind are amazing tools, but it’s my heart that is aching. If I don’t use it, I will die… emotionally.
People need me. I need me. Hence, the importance of a resilient heart.