Good Grief

grief quote

I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday.

I discovered why I am so angry.

Mind you, I’ve been seeing him for over a year.

I left my true self behind many years ago.

It’s as if I walked away from my own funeral before it even began.

I have made bad choices.

The main characters in my life have made many bad choices as well.

I turn 40 in a few months.

I will not grow if I don’t grieve.

Grieve my past.

My mother.

My ex husband.

I need to tell a story.

A story from the prospective of the girl who lost herself.

That girl is me.  40 going on 14.

If I don’t close my eyes and write from her point of view, I will die like this.

I deserve to be freed, and I believe the world needs to hear my. story

The choices.  The losses.

I will never move forward.

Why has it taken me so long to see?

First, I have a great therapist.

Secondly, I hate to feel.

When I feel pain,  I shut down,  I numb myself.

I drink.  I pop pills.  I don’t blame myself.

I shift to logic to avoid what’s happening in the pit of my gut.

Because the contents are scary, I am sure.

I am afraid of my own grief.

I have to do this.

I will do this.

I will shed this skin.

Now it’s time to tell my story from a different perspective…..

The girl I left behind.

Maybe then, I will uncover myself.

grief

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