I have posted twice in the last week about my current situation in regards to needing a place to detox from opiates and alcohol. I know for sure after multiple attempts at securing a bed that I am unable to attain one. I have state insurance, for which I am grateful, however in situations such as these, it does not play nicely with an addict running out of pills in need of medical attention. I am unable to set bed date, as I have years before, because my insurance only covers specific illnesses. If I were pregnant, I would be in a nice facility right now. The place I detoxed at years ago allows my insurance, but only to pregnant women needing to come off drugs. Well shit! I’m not pregnant. So, for me, it’s the phone game of calling every day hoping that some addict has got up and walked out leaving an open spot for a caller like myself. Not to mention, the line out the door of junkies hoping for the same bed as me. My chances aren’t good, even though they consider Opiate withdrawal
the highest priority.
I have court tomorrow morning for the Hit and Run on Property charge. ( I drove drunk into 2 mailboxes 2 months ago.) This is why I cannot sit, wait and call every day hoping for a bed. I have 3 Vicodin left. I should be tapering down. I have been, however, along with a Doctor’s appointment 3 hours after my court appearance, and random stops here and there, tomorrow is going to be a long day. I need to make sure I have at least 1 1/2 pills to sustain me.
I am relieved that I get to see my doctor tomorrow while at the same time nervous. I let her prescribe me the Hydrocodone without informing her of my addiction issues. I should have been up front with her, but being a classic drug addict, I had my eye on the prize. This was not my intention, but in order not to interfere with my other mess of medication, Vicodin was my only option and I was in pain. I am hoping she can give me something to help with the withdrawals.
If I beg, maybe she’ll try and get me into facility right then. Along with my mental issues, it’s just not fair to have “normal” people carry this burden of mine. I have kicked Heroin, Methadone, Oxycodone, all of it. I never imagined 5 milligram hydrocodone would do this to me. But it did. Because I let it. Because I am an addict. And with this being an Opiate just like the rest, it’s going to be just as painful. I can already feel it. And it hurts. I’d rather give birth again!
In addition to the pills, I have been drinking 8 – 12 drinks a day. I start as early as 11 am. And I go all day an evening. I embarrass myself and my family I am sure. That’s why I hide it. I’m on my 4th drink, but no one saw the first 2. I hide the evidence. I have been buying the little 8oz cans of Mike’s Harder Lemonade. They are easier to dispose and easy to guzzle.
So, all this being said, after tomorrow, the detox begins. I sat down with my girlfriend. I found a site online explaining Opiate withdrawal and how to endure it at home. Of course, it is advised to not detox from Opiates at home, but this is what my situation has come down to. The symptoms I may endure are listed for her to see. Being that I have done this before, I told her what I am most likely to experience out of the long list of maladies. My girlfriend, her Aunt and Uncle, and my 2 kids will be here. My girlfriend has never experienced anything like this before. Her Aunt is a little more sympathetic, however, I am embarrassed and ashamed doing this in her home, just being this way in general. Having to come clean about my addiction. But it is what it is. I know that no family is perfect, but dealing with mental illness and addiction is difficult, and I feel very alone. But everyone wants me healthy. That’s the bottom line. Hopefully I can tell my kids I have “the flu.”
So, tomorrow is court, doctor and errands. Saturday the pain sets in. Wish me luck. If I am able to write, I will. This could last 3-5 days, or 2 weeks. My addiction changes as I get older. I am scared.
Thank you for being here for me.