I Will Rise

pheonixWhat is wrong with me today? The sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky.  This is the first day this year the temperature has reached 70 degrees..  I love spring and summer. I complain about the incessant rain and gray clouds that hover over us most of the year.  Today is what I long for all winter. I should at least go a walk.  Even if it’s out to the mailbox.  I keep telling myself how much better I will feel.  I see smiling neighbors walking up and down the street with their dogs. I have been in my room most of the day, reading, scrolling through emails and facebook, and on my laptop.  I took a nap even after a full night’s sleep. I feel this pull in my gut, like a heaviness.  I don’t want to smile.  I don’t want to talk.  Why today?  Why on this beautiful day?

I am supposed to be training for a 12 mile obstacle course coming up in September.  I would consider myself a workout junkie.  I haven’t worked out in a few months.  My shins and legs hurt from previous injuries and I am afraid that if I start to jog, it will hurt too much and then I’ll really be depressed.  I tell myself everyday, today is the day to start jogging.  At least go out punch the bag a few minutes, lift up a dumbbell.  I haven’t.

Some of you, my allies in the war with mental illness, might conclude that my depression is worsening because of my recent medication change.

Others may say it’s because I am just unhappy with my life.  I don’t believe that to be true. Maybe it’s because I stay in the room all the time.  I suppose that is a possibility.

I posted something the other day about an observation I had regarding my son.  That he seemed sad and I wrote about my concern.  My family and friends adore him and his loving energy.   My facebook friends can see from pictures and the hilarious things he says, he is a happy kid.  He just has the occasional bad day. Don’t we all?  My concern was heightened only because he hasn’t seen his father.  This is the longest stretch of time my kids have gone without a visit.  Since December.  He violated a protection order. What can I do?  So yeah, my kids are going to feel bad from time to time.  I was venting just as I am now.

Well, one person, decided to chime into the conversation who I was really hoping wouldn’t see it.  She did, and proceeded to tell me that my son was unhappy in his circumstances, that I was a poor mother, and bullied me by throwing her religious beliefs at me. Which is a complete joke to me, because she is the biggest hypocrite I have ever known.  I have known her for almost 20 years and never once seen her pray.  I held my tongue and used my manners with her yesterday.  Something she failed to do.

So is it possible that she has affected me in such a way to leave me stuck in bed for an entire day?  I would like to think she doesn’t have the power to control me like that.  But here I am and I don’t want to get up.  The whole drama of it exhausted me.  I never intended for that story to end up on facebook. I had a gut feeling that it would backfire if my ex husband’s family saw it.  I need to stick with my gut more often.  What about the heavy weight pulling at my gut right now?  What do I do with that?

I am going to forget about that horrible woman and her wicked tongue.  I am not sure I am ready to get up.  I will wait for my kids to get home.  They are sure to put a smile on my face and give me a reason to get up.


What I learned from this:


Everybody hurts sometimes.


I will write what I want unfiltered.

If you don’t like it, stop reading it and move on.


My children are beautiful and precious individuals.


They have feelings and emotions just like us adults.


I will not assume where their feelings are coming from without talking to them first, just as I would not like someone assuming what my feelings are about without consulting me.


I will not let hypocritical, judgemental people affect me.  They are not worth it.


I am doing a phenomenal job raising my children, who are happier and more loved than they have ever been.


I am glad this incident happened because I have learned who the “real” people are in my life.




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